BBC: My Gift to Me

I've been sitting on an invitation to join the Black Belt Champions for nearly six months.
I really cannot explain why I didn't jump at the chance. I can think of excuses, but no real reason not to pursue it. It's an honor to be recognized and invited. Here's how the invitation reads:

Dear Barbara,

CONGRATULATIONS! You have shown the qualities needed to become a Black Belt Champion. We would be honored to have someone of your caliber become part of this special program.

It is our school policy to recognize commitment and dedication. You have shown a continued effort and improvement in your training. Becoming a Black Belt Champion is a very prestigious step in your Martial Arts training. It means that you have taken the first step in achieving your goal to become a Black Belt.

A Black Belt Club Member signifies a commitment to excellence, and the achievement of the coveted Black Blet. It is designed to underline that commitment and to encourage further personal development and motivation. 

Please let us know if you are interested in becoming a Black Belt Champion.  

Yes, there's a one-time fee to pay and yes, it does mean a $10 increase in one's monthly fees. You get a black uniform and you get additional training that includes learning weapons like the bo, double nunchucks, and other things.

In class on Saturday, which is always very large, I was the only one in a white uniform, though I was not the lowest belt. It is time for me to say yes to this invitation. So now I must "write a few lines explaining why (I) want to be a Black Belt Champion." I'm slightly ashamed to admit that writing those "few lines" is part of the reason I haven't moved forward in six months. I've been working on what I want to say and haven't yet feel like I've nailed it.
Hello, Perfectionism.

I want to be a Black Belt Champion because I'm ready to take the next steps in my journey toward becoming a Black Belt. Even at this stage I'm learning about the dedication it takes. For me, the biggest challenge is often finding childcare so I can get to class. Sometimes it just feels like too much effort, despite how much I enjoy being IN class.
I've been struggling of late with motivation. I am realizing that will never go away entirely. Accepting - finally - the gracious invitation to join the BBC is the boost I need right now. I feel renewed to keep up with my classes, and to continue to learn and improve.
I want to be a Black Belt Champion because it makes me a better person: happier, healthier, more grounded, more optimistic. And those qualities enable me to be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, teacher, student, community member and citizen.
Thank you for the invitation. I gratefully accept. I shall continue to strive toward being a dedicated student and excellent representative of KMA.

There. Was that so hard?

Since today is my birthday I decided to give this gift to myself. Accepting the invitation and moving forward, with renewed motivation and dedication, toward my goal of becoming a Black Belt.

 

 

Better, Closer, Warmer

Two weeks ago Isaac agreed to run with me and the KMA people at the park on Saturday morning. I was proud of how he did but having him there slowed my time a bit. I ran 3 laps in 15:26.
Last Saturday he declined to join me. I was very close to changing my mind about going but went through the motions. I got there and started to feel good. And when I started running I felt even better. I could feel that I was running at a faster pace more comfortably than before. I was feeling so good I contemplated running a fourth lap, but chickened out. I ran 3 in 14:56! My best time yet!
So next week I will challenge myself to run the whole two miles. We'll see how my pace is.
I wasn't able to go to class on Saturday because we opted to go to a Tot Shabbat/Open House at Temple Judea that overlapped.
But this morning I did a Yoga Hike in Griffith Park with Stef. Awe-some!
A great, slightly challenging hike with beautiful weather, spectacular views and enjoyable company.

Last week I started learning more of Dan Gun. I'm really looking forward to more of that!

Taking The Long View

Last Saturday I was able to resume running with the KMA peeps.
I checked in, stated I would run three laps, and proceeded on "go" with the group. My first lap was 5:02. My second was at 10:06. This surprised me that I kept the same pace. I didn't know I could be that consistent. But the third lap was hard. I thought, I'm going to have to walk some of this. I won't quit, but I don't think I'm going to be able to make it all the way around again running.
I kept envisioning the words, "I am here," a new image that came to me recently. It's very clear in my mind and in fact the letters are vertical when I envision them. That helped me keep going. Or rather, it helped me stay present while my legs kept going, instead of thinking about how hard it was and how much further I had to go.
What also helped was one of the young high school black belt women. She was mentoring someone younger than herself who is, apparently, trying to qualify for black belt. I heard her say to her mentee, 'lengthen your stride.'
I hadn't remembered ever hearing those words before. But I gave it a try (even though she wasn't talking to me). It made a real difference! I felt like I was covering at least the same amount of ground but expending less energy.
Before I knew it, I was rounding the last corner. I hadn't walked, though I had slowed down a bit. But I picked it up for the finish. I turned on the juice. I sprinted to the finish and crossed at 15:00 flat.
Wow! What a great feeling!
This is why I keep training.
To discover that I CAN keep going is profoundly empowering.
I'm trying to get that into my bones.

What The Universe Told Me

The Universe theuniverse@tut.com via tut.ccsend.com
to me I get emails from The Universe every day with cool sayings, reminders, inspiration. This one came the other day. When I read it the first time I was thinking about my business, Baby Signs® With Barbara. Upon rereading it, I was thinking about earning a black belt...and that really felt right. Thanks, Universe!

Barbara, the top 10 signs a really huge dream of yours is about to come true, are: 10. You regularly visualize the end result, the after-party, or beyond. 9. Every day you "show up," doing something about it. 8. You're not attached to how it will come true. 7. It really matters to you; you really care. 6. You know who the first 3 people are that you'll call with the news. 5. You're smiling and winking way more than normal. 4. Sometimes you speak and behave as if it already has. 3. It probably doesn't depend upon specific people. 2. You already know what your next goal is. 1. You keep whispering, "Sweet! Thank you! Yes!" with clutched fist. Sweet! Thank you! Yes!     The Universe

ORANGE!

I graded today and earned my orange belt!

I felt nervous all day. There were a few reasons: 

1. I didn't know of any classmates who were also grading today. I got behind my peers. They earned their orange belts last month. 

2. I didn't know if Aaron was going to make it.

3. Aside from Extreme Combinations #1 and #2, I didn't know what I would be asked to demonstrate. 

Aaron texted me in the afternoon and said it didn't look good for him to be able to make it out of work in time for the 6pm ceremony. I didn't realize until then that I really wanted him there. 

I was reflecting on a conversation with Isaac in the car the day before when he said he'd rather be able to stay home and watch TV because that's more fun. I told Isaac that my feelings were hurt by that. I reminded him that it's important to cheer on our teammates and that it would make me feel good if he was there.  (That was the end of the discussion simply because we had pulled into the garage by then and it was time to get out.)

I had a disappointing realization about myself while I was warming up and waiting for the ceremony to begin. I noticed that there were four kids with yellow belts who would also be grading. The thought that I'd be asked to demonstrate WITH them made me sad and intimidated. It felt awkward. Then a peer did arrive who was testing for yellow. That made me feel infinitely better. What was disappointing was realizing that apparently I needed to be better (know more) than someone else in order to feel good about myself. 

That didn't feel very "martial arty." 

I will allow for an evolution of that attitude to be part of my Black Belt journey. 

Low block

Chambering for inner block

Inner block

Orange!

Proud of myself and my teammates

Thanks to my parents for being there to support me and, perhaps even more importantly, take care of the kids! Thanks for taking these pics, Pops!

Intent to Promote

Notice of Intent to Promote: Orange Belt

This is what you receive when you're invited to test for your next belt. It's handed out at the end of class. Everyone cheers for you. You take it home and fill it out and return it.

There is "testing" on the first Wednesday of every month at our dojeng. It's amusing that everyone refers to it as "testing." You're not really being tested. No one fails or isn't promoted.
Rather than being tested, it's when you demonstrate what you've learned to this point. It can still incite nerves, but there's no pressure or fear of failure.
There's a whole ritual involved.
After you demonstrate what Master Turnhout asks you to do, all of the students sit down. You're asked to close your eyes in meditation. At this time another instructor comes around and places your new belt in front of you.

It's a little magical. It reminds me of Shabbat: you light the candles and then you close your eyes while you're saying the prayer. Since you're not supposed to do any work on the sabbath, and because lighting the candles would be considered work, you sort of pretend like you don't know how the candles were lit. When you open your eyes it's a supposed to be a surprise.

I'm a big fan of ritual. It's another aspect of the martial arts that I truly appreciate and enjoy.

As a dedicated student of the martial arts...

Saturday was a very good day for me.
I ran with KMA people for the first time. I took my regular 9am class, at the end of which, I was invited to test for my orange belt on August 1st. I was flying high for hours!

I started taking classes in October of 2011. It was a month after we enrolled our oldest son in classes. They offered a month of free classes to family members of students and I jumped at the opportunity. 

From the very first time I entered the dojeng, I was made to feel welcome. Students and teachers alike were genuinely warm and kind. I felt an immediate sense of community. My beliefs align with their principles and I found a new home.

When I started, I mentally prepared for it to be for the month. We couldn't afford two tuitions. (For the October special, they even provided me with the uniform for free.) Come November, I had to let it go. I missed it. 

I loved the structure, the similarities to yoga, the power, the conditioning, the feeling of community, the ability to see my progress. I love the instructors, the positive philosophy, the feeling of community.

In January they offered a "90 Day Fitness Challenge." It was a discounted rate for a 3 month membership, essentially. Aaron made it my Hannukah gift. 

When I started again in January, I still had a short-term mindset. Our financial situation hadn't improved and I couldn't imagine how we'd be able to afford two regular tuitions indefinitely. When they talked about black belts I imagined they were talking about other people. When I repeated the philosophy at the end of class, I didn't really absorb the meaning. I let them be just words:

As a dedicated student of the martial arts
I shall live by
the principles of black belt:
Modesty
Courtesy
Integrity
Perseverance
Self-Control
Indomitable Spirit

At some point during that 90 days I fell in love. I did not want it to come to an end. It occurred to me that I could earn a black belt. Suddenly it became a goal that I could achieve. Without looking, I had wandered onto the black belt path.

I didn't know how we could afford it, but I also had the realization that I didn't have to have a solution to the tuition problem. I didn't have to figure out the "how." But in making an honest effort toward my goal, I approached them about a work-trade agreement.

Ma'am Laura, a co-owner, was open to talking to me about it. First she suggested I talk to her later about it. Then she suggested I continue to come to class but that she'd talk to me when she returned after a week away. At that time she asked me what I had in mind. I told her I could help mostly in the evenings when I'd have childcare coverage. I offered to help clean, to make phone calls, to do computer work. I was open to anything. She said she'd give it some thought, and I was to keep coming to class. Eventually I realized, without any formal agreement, she was allowing me to continue to come for free. Neither she nor Master Turnhout have asked anything but dedication from me. 

I feel like I've been given one of the most precious gifts I've ever received. And in return I have renewed my effort, my focus, my dedication.
Now when I say the philosophy at the end of class, I own the words. I think about what they mean for me. I think about them outside of class. I am internalizing them as I jab, front kick and extreme combo my way to a black belt.

Testing for yellow belt, April 2012.