Going For Black: ORANGE!

I graded today and earned my orange belt!

I felt nervous all day. There were a few reasons:

1. I didn't know of any classmates who were also grading today. I got behind my peers. They earned their orange belts last month.

2. I didn't know if Aaron was going to make it.

3. Aside from Extreme Combinations #1 and #2, I didn't know what I would be asked to demonstrate.

Aaron texted me in the afternoon and said it didn't look good for him to be able to make it out of work in time for the 6pm ceremony. I didn't realize until then that I really wanted him there.

I was reflecting on a conversation with Isaac in the car the day before when he said he'd rather be able to stay home and watch TV because that's more fun. I told Isaac that my feelings were hurt by that. I reminded him that it's important to cheer on our teammates and that it would make me feel good if he was there. (That was the end of the discussion simply because we had pulled into the garage by then and it was time to get out.)

I had a disappointing realization about myself while I was warming up and waiting for the ceremony to begin. I noticed that there were four kids with yellow belts who would also be grading. The thought that I'd be asked to demonstrate WITH them made me sad and intimidated. It felt awkward. Then a peer did arrive who was testing for yellow. That made me feel infinitely better. What was disappointing was realizing that apparently I needed to be better (know more) than someone else in order to feel good about myself.

That didn't feel very "martial arty."

I will allow for an evolution of that attitude to be part of my Black Belt journey.