PRE-QUAL!

And so the time is at last upon me.
PRE-QUAL.
Yes, KMA and the black belt pursuit has its own language and logic.
Pre-qual, or pre-qualify, is what you need to do in order to get on the 12-week black belt cycle.
In order to pre-qual you need to have earned your three "tips." You can't start tip testing until you've learned the final traditional form, Chung Mu. These "tips" are tape stripes on your belt that you earn at grading for demonstrating your knowledge of the traditional and extreme forms.  (It's a good thing I wasn't being graded for knowing how to tie my bo-black belt because it turns out I've been doing it wrong for some time. This became apparent when, after finally being alerted to my mistake, a ma'am was trying to put on the the third tip but that part of the belt was now hidden and she could barely reach it. So now, when I tie on my bo-black belt, my tips are, sadly, hidden.)
Also in order to pre-qual, your 2-mile runs need to be consistently under 20 minutes.
Also, you need to be training at the bo-black level for a minimum of nine months before you can try to pre-qual.
So anyway, it takes some time and planning.
And now, it's here.
Well, it was last night!
What typically happens at pre-qual is about an hour of testing that includes all of the instruction we've learned up to this point (punches, kicks, blocks, stances, forms) and then the 2-mile run at the park immediately after. This typically happens on Saturday after classes, beginning about 1pm. But this being summer in the San Fernando Valley, the heat can get extreme. So anticipating the heat they moved pre-qual to Friday evening so the run wouldn't be in the middle of the day. But the temperatures this week have been EXTREME: it was predicted to be 108 on Friday. So they postponed the run to the next morning. That's when the team usually runs anyway, on Saturday mornings. However, a large brush fire broke out not too far away on late Friday afternoon sending billowing smoke over the valley. By Saturday morning it was snowing ash. So they cancelled (postponed) the run again.
I'm having mixed feelings about this:
Mostly I'm extremely grateful to be part of a dojang that truly cares about its students. But there's a little bit of guilt in there, too, because I'm not having the same testing experience of those black belts that came before me.
One friend, a black belt, reminded me that in addition to caring about their students, our Master and instructors really know what they're doing, too, so no need to worry about it being equal.
This is such a great journey.
So much of the challenge is mental. Way more than half. I've been working toward the physical challenge of pre-qual since the beginning of the year when I began core and strength conditioning on my own. I've been increasing my workout and keeping to them pretty regularly. I was motivated to stay on track because I didn't want to struggle at pre-qual. That stuff was under my control and I took it. And throughout that process I could feel myself getting stronger. Classes felt a little easier. My running time was improving. There's been a great, positive spiral.
So the challenge has been staying positive mentally and not letting my fears or nerves get the best of me.
I was fighting that all week long.
What helped was noticing how I felt a couple of times at the dojang this week. Once before class I noticed how good and happy and light I felt. Another time, after class, I noticed I felt happy and strong. I decided that each time I felt nervous, or noticed the FUDEs creeping in (FUDE = fear, uncertainty, doubts, excuses), I would push those aside and recall the lightness and happiness I felt.
Then I finally locked on to the message I needed for myself: LOVE. I love this work. I love this dojang. I adore these people. I feel so good and strong when I practice. I enjoy trying to get better. I LOVE THIS WORK. And remembering that made me smile and gave me the joy and lightness I needed to be able to perform better and stay focused.

One more bit: leading up to pre-qual I'd been asking around the dojang for advice. I even tried posting the question on the KMA Facebook page, but I never received any responses. I wanted to know about inspiring quotes or sports stories. I thought of looking up books at the library, but I wanted recommendations. I never really got any satisfactory answers.
Then, as I was going through some of the papers on my vanity (old logs where I kept track of the core and strength conditioning, inspirational quotes that had come off of the mirror, etc), I found exactly what I was looking for. I chuckled to myself. I had already had what I was looking for all along.

Big Lesson

I learned a lesson so great this morning it moved me to tears.

I can do it and my team will be there to support me.

I set my alarm early so I'd have time to get up, use the bathroom, eat a little something, etc before I ran with the team at 8am.
But I went to bed late.
And when I woke up my throat was hurting.
And I was feeling a little shaky and not well.
And time was ticking and I wasn't going to have time to eat anything. Then my stomach got the best of me and sent me back to the bathroom.
Then I stood in front of the mirror seriously debating whether or not to run.
For a moment I decided I was going back to bed.
Then I decided I would just wash my face first in case I decided to go to class at 9.
Then I found I told myself I wouldn't run with the team, I'd just do it on my own. I don't want the whole team to have to stand around waiting for me to finish. They'll be polite but annoyed, I imagined.
Then I found myself putting on my running clothes. (But not my watch - again - which meant I'd have no way of timing myself accurately if I didn't run with the team.)
And then I was walking out the door.
I got to the park and only a couple of other candidates were there. Kevin was one. He was gracious in his enthusiasm that I made it out for the run.
Then it was time and I was off, at the back of the pack, per usual.
At least I'd already made up my mind that I was running 4 laps. I was not going to concern myself with my time. I need to get the distance up and then I can work on the time. I kept thinking about how I was going to get lapped by the kids (and I did by one of them). I didn't let it get to me.
The first lap was 5:00. Good.
Second lap was 10:05. Not bad and not surprising.
Third lap was... oh, gosh, I can't remember but I had definitely slowed down and I wasn't surprised. I was struggling a bit on the fourth lap. I considered walking, but coached myself to just slow down if I needed to.
As I was coming up on the last leg, there was Deb, cheering me on. Bill put out his had for a high five. Then they both fell in line next to me and encouraged me with both their words and their running to give it all I had. Then I noticed more team members up ahead. They fell in line too, and cheered me on. I turned on the speed. I used my arms to help my pace. Deb told me I had to beat her and I dug deep and I sprinted across that finish line.
19:47 (I think.)
I'd done it. I'd run two in under 20 despite my lack of intention and entirely because of my teammates.
The team split off to head to the dojang.
I sat in my car and wept.
I wept with relief and pride that I'd done it.
And I wept with gratitude for being part of such a beautifully supportive team.

Preparing for Pre-Qual

Today is pre-qual for a group of 10 KMA students.
That means they're in the process of PRE-qualifying to enter the black belt cycle. In other words, they're being tested to make sure they're strong enough to start the months long training required to take their black belt test.
Even to get to the pre-qual stage you have to meet certain requirements: you have to know all of the traditional forms (Extreme Form #1, Extreme Form #2, Dan Gun, Tae Gae, Chung Mu) and you have to have earned your three "tips." You earn a tip during a regular grading event by demonstrating your knowledge of those forms. Also, you have to put in at least 9 months as a bo black belt before you can try to pre-qual.
So.
Having earned my bo black belt last September, I knew I would not attempt to pre-qual today. I am striving to pre-qual in July.
But I have increased my training and I'm mentally preparing.
I went today to cheer on my teammates (Kevin and Mike in particular. We came up together. They're more consistent at getting to classes than me so they moved ahead.)
Master Turnhout took them all through their paces, similar to a regular grading. They did punches, kicks, combos. She was testing to see if they knew their punches and guards and blocks. One in particular hung up some people: throat strike. One young student (she must be 10. Anya?) was the first to remember it and demonstrate it, enabling the others to follow her lead (even though technically they're not supposed to look at other students for that reason).
Then they had to demonstrate the forms.
After that, about 45 minutes of nearly non-stop testing, they had an opportunity to shake the hand of every black belt who was there (and there were many!). Then they had to reconvene at the park for their 2 mile run. You must be able to run 2 miles in under 20 minutes. (AFTER this testing!)
It's intense, but if you're preparing, it's reasonable to think you should be able to do all of this. I think the biggest hurdle - and Master Turnhout mentioned it a couple of times - is the mental one.
I think I'm going to look up some books at the library about mental preparation for athletes. I think I may also post on Facebook asking for advice on such literature or inspiration that other people have found.
Yeah. It's intimidating, for sure.
But I can do this. I am already preparing. I am getting stronger.
I want to push myself harder. I want to dominate my own mental game.
You know what a black belt is?
A white belt who never gave up.

Believe in Yourself

I saw Creed yesterday.
What a great film!
I had an awareness about how I was watching it during the fight scenes. I was completely conscious of how Creed kept (or didn't) his guard up. I was aware of their footwork. I was thinking about how much core work must be done by fighters to protect themselves from all those body blows. I was a cognizant of how running was an integral part of his training. That awareness led to some satisfying meta-moments: there's a scene in which Creed is running in the streets of Philadelphia in a gray, hooded sweatshirt. It's a nod to Rocky's run in the original film. Watching him gather locals to follow him during his run - again, echoing Balboa in the original film - foreshadowed his popularity with the people, despite the final outcome of the boxing match. It created an excitement on a couple of levels: the recognition of the allusion to Balboa in the original story, as well as for Creed, who is finally coming into his own in this film. I loved knowing that the running is real. You have to run to build endurance for this sport, just like martial arts. It was inspiring to watch and to feel that I am like this admirable, persistent character in a way.
But the most important allegiance I felt to the story and the character was Rocky's message to him about the importance of Creed believing in himself. 
Before both of Creed's big fights, Rocky's last pep talk advice is to recognize that Creed wants this for himself and that's he's capable of doing it.
No matter how much training, no matter how burning the desire, if Creed doesn't KNOW that he can do this, he might not be able to attain it. Against the odds, an athlete must know for herself that she can accomplish the goal. In her soul, in that moment of quiet before the greatest effort and the final test, she must be confident down to her bones that she is capable of rising to the challenge; that her mind is strong enough to lead her body through the gauntlet and to emerge victorious.
THAT is a champion.
That is what I took from this movie and what I am training for. I am earning my black belt this year!

You can call me Bo Barb

On September 2, 2015 I earned my bo black belt. That is the penultimate belt to black belt. That means that the next belt I earn will be my black belt. 

Can you see in the photos that my name is embroidered on my bo black belt?

It's a big step. It's a big belt, so to speak. And so, in the next year, I will be working toward my black belt. First comes pre-qual (pre-qualification). That will be in August of next year. KMA does it twice a year, and the first one is in February, but you have to be a bo black belt for a minimum of 9 months before you can take the pre-qual test. 

I'm perfectly okay with that.  

I have already begun supplementing my KMA classes with some core work at home. (I can plank for a little over two minutes!). That is just the beginning. 

While I know I can run the 2 miles in under 20 minutes (a big benchmark for pre-qual), I've only done it once and I wasn't sure I was going to live to tell about it. 

They had a meeting for bo black belt students last Wednesday to give us an idea of what to expect and some advice about how to approach our training. All of it was very helpful. I feel like I have a huge advantage because of how much time I have to train - harder and better - before pre-quals.

One niggling thought that gives me pause is whether or not there will be any other adults who will pre-qual with me. There were only a couple of others at the meeting, and I'm pretty sure Mike and Kevin are going to pre-qual in February. (I try not to feel discouraged by the fact that the three of us were, at one point, progressing at the same time.) I am not crazy about the idea of being the only adult with a bunch of kids on the black belt cycle. : /  

I know I have to let go of that. There's nothing to be done about it either way. If I'm ready and I'm pre-qual and I'm the only adult, then, I'm the only adult. (What am I going to do, defer because of that? Newp!)

Anyway, I'm excited to up my training. I've tried to make it to the Advanced Class (open only to bo/black belts) on Wednesday evenings at 6 but I looked at the schedule incorrectly last week and showed up at 6:45; and then I was sick this week (which means I didn't get in my two classes or a run). :(

I have this running dialogue in my head with my instructors, wanting to explain to them why I wasn't there, or wanting to tell them about some triumph. But these conversations don't often happen. 

I wanted to tell them that I ran a 5k last week (the Alive & Running 5k that I've done for six consecutive years now). I usually run it in about 40 minutes. I don't ever keep track of my time because it just hasn't been important to me but now, with the increase in my training, it is. I ran last week's 5k in 34 minutes! Now that's not pre-qual time, but it's such a huge improvement over previous years and I was hardly trying! I say that not to brag, but as an example of how my measly efforts of running with KMA so far have had a big impact already! Just imagine what I'm going to be able to do when I run with intention and consistency!

Intention and consistency. 

Amen.

Seeing Red

I received my grading sheet on Tuesday.
"Going for red belt: Barbara!"
I was actually hoping he wouldn't say my name (though I was the only blue/black belt in the room, so I knew it was me.)
I don't recall ever feeling this way about testing.
I've felt nervous, but I've never felt as though they were making a mistake.
I don't feel like I'm completely ready!
I feel like I've JUST learned Tae Gae. I don't feel like I've been working on it forever (as I have felt with some previous forms). It's beautiful. And complex. I really love it, but I need more practice!
Here is one of my instructors, Sir Ken, performing it:

Now, I know they will never promote a student before she is ready. So what's missing here is only my self-confidence.
Why the difference now?
Actually, I know why. Because this is getting closer and closer to black belt.
After red belt is bo-black. Then black belt.
THAT'S IT.
I mean, that's probably a year and a half away, but I don't want to feel nervous like this moving forward. And what that entails is more practice. More dedication. More running. Getting there three times a week.
Right now I get there regularly on Tuesday mornings. I try to make it on Thursdays but I haven't been very successful. It's important to go at least twice a week; once on either Monday or Tuesday, which are the days when we practice forms. Then again on Thursday, Friday or Saturday for sparring. So I've been getting my forms classes. But I've been pretty remiss in getting to sparring classes. Both are important.
I don't really enjoy going on Saturday mornings for several reasons but right now they're all moot. I'm working on Saturdays but that's temporary. Fridays aren't actually full classes. There's a 30 minute "boot camp" followed immediately by a 30 minute weapons class. The weapons class is important. I need that for black belt.
But both Thursdays and Fridays classes are in the evening and I have trouble feeling entitled to go to those since it means leaving the kids during times when there is much to do and they seem to need a lot of attention.
I finally spoke to Aaron about it and of course he was supportive. I guess I just needed to hear it. So, I will be going on Thursdays for sure.
But how am I going to manage all this when it gets closer to black belt? Three classes every week. Running on Saturdays with KMA at the park. And all the rest of the requirements when you're in the Cycle.
My current mantra is "train like a black belt." That can mean many things, but one of them is making those commitments.
I work hard in class, keeping in mind that mantra, but outside of class I'm not doing what a black belt would be doing.
I guess that's why I feel inadequate at this point.
I'm sure I'm not alone.
But it's pretty scary, nonetheless.

A Few Lines About Why I Want To Be A Black Belt Champion

I'm learning how to embrace a challenge without fear.
It's not that I was one to shy away from a difficult situation in the past, but through my experience in KMA my attitude about facing something new has changed. I'm learning to welcome it!
Bring it!