Am I Blue?

I knew it'd had been a long while since my last entry, but I was surprised to see it's been just over a year!
That's too bad. 

I've been struggling with my journey to black belt since the end of last year. 
I was ill.
I had an injury.
I missed more and more classes. 
My peers were progressing and I wasn't. It became increasingly difficult to get back to class after I'd been away for a while. I was feeling discouraged. And outside of the dojang I was feeling overwhelmed with my full life. 
Once the illness and injury were behind me, I gave long and serious thought to whether or not I wanted to continue. At one point toward the end of winter I was pretty sure I was ready to let it go for now. (Not so coincidentally, in the winter, we asked Ike to make a choice between musical theater and KMA saying we couldn't afford to do both. But I could never bring myself to write the cancellation letter. I was struggling with both his continuing enrollment AND mine. He stayed.) 
By the way, I chose those words specifically: "let it go for now." I did not want to use the word 'quit.' That was too painful, too final, too defeatist. I couldn't face myself if I 'quit.' They teach the kids, "Winners never quit. Quitters never win. I choose to be a winner!" I couldn't quit. I couldn't be a poor example to my kids - and to my self. 
So I gave serious consideration to letting go of KMA for the time being because I was being pulled in too many directions and repeatedly finding myself coming up short when it really counted. 
I kept finding myself short on patience. Bereft of energy. Lacking any sexual desire.
I was asking myself where the time was going. How could I keep devoting time and energy to all this busyness and not have the resources for the stuff that really counts - for my kids, for me, for my husband?
I couldn't get to class more than once a week, and even that was often a struggle. My schedule allowed me to attend Tuesday morning's class, but that meant taking E.B. with me. The vast majority of the time he's a dream. We bring the portable DVD player and he's content, allowing me to focus on class. But it's a whole thing: choose the DVD, get it in the bag, make sure I have a snack for him in case he gets hungry during my class, get him dressed and out the door. It's a whole thing. 
The only other class I could attend was Saturday morning, which was also increasingly becoming a chore. It meant waking up early enough to eat a little something (which inevitably meant getting something for the kids, too. A whole thing.) Then getting myself out of the house on time. Class is always crowded on Saturdays. Then getting home, cleaning my equipment and laying it out to dry (a necessity). Then a shower. After that shower, I am SPENT. I mean, I would have NOTHING left so I'd have to lay down for a nap.  So Saturday morning class meant a half-a-day commitment. That really digs into one's weekend - the only time we have together as a family. 
I'd been at a green/black belt for longer than is typical. My instructors started to take note. One reached out and suggested I could spend a few extra minutes with her after class on Tuesday for a few weeks to help me feel like I was getting back up to speed. I jumped at the chance. They told me I was close to grading and they wanted to help me get there. That helped my motivation a bit. 
But I kept wondering, do I really want to continue? Should I just push through, get the blue belt, and then take a break, come back when I feel I can make the commitment?
One Tuesday a couple of weeks ago I was invited to grade for a blue belt. It felt really good. Sir took me aside after class and reminded me that the blue belt cycle is a bit longer. He suggested I really make the effort to come to class. He told, from his own experience, what a difference coming to class regularly makes to all areas of his life. He reminded me of the analogy of putting on your oxygen mask first. 
I took those words to heart. 
And I decided to recommit to my martial arts training. 
Last Wednesday I earned my blue belt. 
So to answer the question in the title: Yes. I am blue.