"Going for red belt: Barbara!"
I was actually hoping he wouldn't say my name (though I was the only blue/black belt in the room, so I knew it was me.)
I don't recall ever feeling this way about testing.
I've felt nervous, but I've never felt as though they were making a mistake.
I don't feel like I'm completely ready!
I feel like I've JUST learned Tae Gae. I don't feel like I've been working on it forever (as I have felt with some previous forms). It's beautiful. And complex. I really love it, but I need more practice!
Here is one of my instructors, Sir Ken, performing it:
Now, I know they will never promote a student before she is ready. So what's missing here is only my self-confidence.
Why the difference now?
Actually, I know why. Because this is getting closer and closer to black belt.
After red belt is bo-black. Then black belt.
THAT'S IT.
I mean, that's probably a year and a half away, but I don't want to feel nervous like this moving forward. And what that entails is more practice. More dedication. More running. Getting there three times a week.
Right now I get there regularly on Tuesday mornings. I try to make it on Thursdays but I haven't been very successful. It's important to go at least twice a week; once on either Monday or Tuesday, which are the days when we practice forms. Then again on Thursday, Friday or Saturday for sparring. So I've been getting my forms classes. But I've been pretty remiss in getting to sparring classes. Both are important.
I don't really enjoy going on Saturday mornings for several reasons but right now they're all moot. I'm working on Saturdays but that's temporary. Fridays aren't actually full classes. There's a 30 minute "boot camp" followed immediately by a 30 minute weapons class. The weapons class is important. I need that for black belt.
But both Thursdays and Fridays classes are in the evening and I have trouble feeling entitled to go to those since it means leaving the kids during times when there is much to do and they seem to need a lot of attention.
I finally spoke to Aaron about it and of course he was supportive. I guess I just needed to hear it. So, I will be going on Thursdays for sure.
But how am I going to manage all this when it gets closer to black belt? Three classes every week. Running on Saturdays with KMA at the park. And all the rest of the requirements when you're in the Cycle.
My current mantra is "train like a black belt." That can mean many things, but one of them is making those commitments.
I work hard in class, keeping in mind that mantra, but outside of class I'm not doing what a black belt would be doing.
I guess that's why I feel inadequate at this point.
I'm sure I'm not alone.
But it's pretty scary, nonetheless.
