Believe in Yourself

I saw Creed yesterday.
What a great film!
I had an awareness about how I was watching it during the fight scenes. I was completely conscious of how Creed kept (or didn't) his guard up. I was aware of their footwork. I was thinking about how much core work must be done by fighters to protect themselves from all those body blows. I was a cognizant of how running was an integral part of his training. That awareness led to some satisfying meta-moments: there's a scene in which Creed is running in the streets of Philadelphia in a gray, hooded sweatshirt. It's a nod to Rocky's run in the original film. Watching him gather locals to follow him during his run - again, echoing Balboa in the original film - foreshadowed his popularity with the people, despite the final outcome of the boxing match. It created an excitement on a couple of levels: the recognition of the allusion to Balboa in the original story, as well as for Creed, who is finally coming into his own in this film. I loved knowing that the running is real. You have to run to build endurance for this sport, just like martial arts. It was inspiring to watch and to feel that I am like this admirable, persistent character in a way.
But the most important allegiance I felt to the story and the character was Rocky's message to him about the importance of Creed believing in himself. 
Before both of Creed's big fights, Rocky's last pep talk advice is to recognize that Creed wants this for himself and that's he's capable of doing it.
No matter how much training, no matter how burning the desire, if Creed doesn't KNOW that he can do this, he might not be able to attain it. Against the odds, an athlete must know for herself that she can accomplish the goal. In her soul, in that moment of quiet before the greatest effort and the final test, she must be confident down to her bones that she is capable of rising to the challenge; that her mind is strong enough to lead her body through the gauntlet and to emerge victorious.
THAT is a champion.
That is what I took from this movie and what I am training for. I am earning my black belt this year!

You can call me Bo Barb

On September 2, 2015 I earned my bo black belt. That is the penultimate belt to black belt. That means that the next belt I earn will be my black belt. 

Can you see in the photos that my name is embroidered on my bo black belt?

It's a big step. It's a big belt, so to speak. And so, in the next year, I will be working toward my black belt. First comes pre-qual (pre-qualification). That will be in August of next year. KMA does it twice a year, and the first one is in February, but you have to be a bo black belt for a minimum of 9 months before you can take the pre-qual test. 

I'm perfectly okay with that.  

I have already begun supplementing my KMA classes with some core work at home. (I can plank for a little over two minutes!). That is just the beginning. 

While I know I can run the 2 miles in under 20 minutes (a big benchmark for pre-qual), I've only done it once and I wasn't sure I was going to live to tell about it. 

They had a meeting for bo black belt students last Wednesday to give us an idea of what to expect and some advice about how to approach our training. All of it was very helpful. I feel like I have a huge advantage because of how much time I have to train - harder and better - before pre-quals.

One niggling thought that gives me pause is whether or not there will be any other adults who will pre-qual with me. There were only a couple of others at the meeting, and I'm pretty sure Mike and Kevin are going to pre-qual in February. (I try not to feel discouraged by the fact that the three of us were, at one point, progressing at the same time.) I am not crazy about the idea of being the only adult with a bunch of kids on the black belt cycle. : /  

I know I have to let go of that. There's nothing to be done about it either way. If I'm ready and I'm pre-qual and I'm the only adult, then, I'm the only adult. (What am I going to do, defer because of that? Newp!)

Anyway, I'm excited to up my training. I've tried to make it to the Advanced Class (open only to bo/black belts) on Wednesday evenings at 6 but I looked at the schedule incorrectly last week and showed up at 6:45; and then I was sick this week (which means I didn't get in my two classes or a run). :(

I have this running dialogue in my head with my instructors, wanting to explain to them why I wasn't there, or wanting to tell them about some triumph. But these conversations don't often happen. 

I wanted to tell them that I ran a 5k last week (the Alive & Running 5k that I've done for six consecutive years now). I usually run it in about 40 minutes. I don't ever keep track of my time because it just hasn't been important to me but now, with the increase in my training, it is. I ran last week's 5k in 34 minutes! Now that's not pre-qual time, but it's such a huge improvement over previous years and I was hardly trying! I say that not to brag, but as an example of how my measly efforts of running with KMA so far have had a big impact already! Just imagine what I'm going to be able to do when I run with intention and consistency!

Intention and consistency. 

Amen.

Seeing Red

I received my grading sheet on Tuesday.
"Going for red belt: Barbara!"
I was actually hoping he wouldn't say my name (though I was the only blue/black belt in the room, so I knew it was me.)
I don't recall ever feeling this way about testing.
I've felt nervous, but I've never felt as though they were making a mistake.
I don't feel like I'm completely ready!
I feel like I've JUST learned Tae Gae. I don't feel like I've been working on it forever (as I have felt with some previous forms). It's beautiful. And complex. I really love it, but I need more practice!
Here is one of my instructors, Sir Ken, performing it:

Now, I know they will never promote a student before she is ready. So what's missing here is only my self-confidence.
Why the difference now?
Actually, I know why. Because this is getting closer and closer to black belt.
After red belt is bo-black. Then black belt.
THAT'S IT.
I mean, that's probably a year and a half away, but I don't want to feel nervous like this moving forward. And what that entails is more practice. More dedication. More running. Getting there three times a week.
Right now I get there regularly on Tuesday mornings. I try to make it on Thursdays but I haven't been very successful. It's important to go at least twice a week; once on either Monday or Tuesday, which are the days when we practice forms. Then again on Thursday, Friday or Saturday for sparring. So I've been getting my forms classes. But I've been pretty remiss in getting to sparring classes. Both are important.
I don't really enjoy going on Saturday mornings for several reasons but right now they're all moot. I'm working on Saturdays but that's temporary. Fridays aren't actually full classes. There's a 30 minute "boot camp" followed immediately by a 30 minute weapons class. The weapons class is important. I need that for black belt.
But both Thursdays and Fridays classes are in the evening and I have trouble feeling entitled to go to those since it means leaving the kids during times when there is much to do and they seem to need a lot of attention.
I finally spoke to Aaron about it and of course he was supportive. I guess I just needed to hear it. So, I will be going on Thursdays for sure.
But how am I going to manage all this when it gets closer to black belt? Three classes every week. Running on Saturdays with KMA at the park. And all the rest of the requirements when you're in the Cycle.
My current mantra is "train like a black belt." That can mean many things, but one of them is making those commitments.
I work hard in class, keeping in mind that mantra, but outside of class I'm not doing what a black belt would be doing.
I guess that's why I feel inadequate at this point.
I'm sure I'm not alone.
But it's pretty scary, nonetheless.

A Few Lines About Why I Want To Be A Black Belt Champion

I'm learning how to embrace a challenge without fear.
It's not that I was one to shy away from a difficult situation in the past, but through my experience in KMA my attitude about facing something new has changed. I'm learning to welcome it!
Bring it!

Am I Blue?

I knew it'd had been a long while since my last entry, but I was surprised to see it's been just over a year!
That's too bad. 

I've been struggling with my journey to black belt since the end of last year. 
I was ill.
I had an injury.
I missed more and more classes. 
My peers were progressing and I wasn't. It became increasingly difficult to get back to class after I'd been away for a while. I was feeling discouraged. And outside of the dojang I was feeling overwhelmed with my full life. 
Once the illness and injury were behind me, I gave long and serious thought to whether or not I wanted to continue. At one point toward the end of winter I was pretty sure I was ready to let it go for now. (Not so coincidentally, in the winter, we asked Ike to make a choice between musical theater and KMA saying we couldn't afford to do both. But I could never bring myself to write the cancellation letter. I was struggling with both his continuing enrollment AND mine. He stayed.) 
By the way, I chose those words specifically: "let it go for now." I did not want to use the word 'quit.' That was too painful, too final, too defeatist. I couldn't face myself if I 'quit.' They teach the kids, "Winners never quit. Quitters never win. I choose to be a winner!" I couldn't quit. I couldn't be a poor example to my kids - and to my self. 
So I gave serious consideration to letting go of KMA for the time being because I was being pulled in too many directions and repeatedly finding myself coming up short when it really counted. 
I kept finding myself short on patience. Bereft of energy. Lacking any sexual desire.
I was asking myself where the time was going. How could I keep devoting time and energy to all this busyness and not have the resources for the stuff that really counts - for my kids, for me, for my husband?
I couldn't get to class more than once a week, and even that was often a struggle. My schedule allowed me to attend Tuesday morning's class, but that meant taking E.B. with me. The vast majority of the time he's a dream. We bring the portable DVD player and he's content, allowing me to focus on class. But it's a whole thing: choose the DVD, get it in the bag, make sure I have a snack for him in case he gets hungry during my class, get him dressed and out the door. It's a whole thing. 
The only other class I could attend was Saturday morning, which was also increasingly becoming a chore. It meant waking up early enough to eat a little something (which inevitably meant getting something for the kids, too. A whole thing.) Then getting myself out of the house on time. Class is always crowded on Saturdays. Then getting home, cleaning my equipment and laying it out to dry (a necessity). Then a shower. After that shower, I am SPENT. I mean, I would have NOTHING left so I'd have to lay down for a nap.  So Saturday morning class meant a half-a-day commitment. That really digs into one's weekend - the only time we have together as a family. 
I'd been at a green/black belt for longer than is typical. My instructors started to take note. One reached out and suggested I could spend a few extra minutes with her after class on Tuesday for a few weeks to help me feel like I was getting back up to speed. I jumped at the chance. They told me I was close to grading and they wanted to help me get there. That helped my motivation a bit. 
But I kept wondering, do I really want to continue? Should I just push through, get the blue belt, and then take a break, come back when I feel I can make the commitment?
One Tuesday a couple of weeks ago I was invited to grade for a blue belt. It felt really good. Sir took me aside after class and reminded me that the blue belt cycle is a bit longer. He suggested I really make the effort to come to class. He told, from his own experience, what a difference coming to class regularly makes to all areas of his life. He reminded me of the analogy of putting on your oxygen mask first. 
I took those words to heart. 
And I decided to recommit to my martial arts training. 
Last Wednesday I earned my blue belt. 
So to answer the question in the title: Yes. I am blue. 

Stop And Look Around

So I did it. I ran the 5k in the Victory for Victims race at Lake Balboa yesterday morning. I was very nervous about it. I haven't run 3 miles in one shot in a long time. Stef reminded me to just take my time and enjoy it.
I was nervous because I hadn't run since the previous Saturday. And because I drank two beers the night before. I just thought I wasn't doing myself any favors. I made sure to drink plenty of water Sunday morning and ate my customary non-fat Greek yogurt with honey to ensure good hydration and energy.
Then I had to keep returning to the bathroom.
Then parking felt like it was 5k from the starting line so we had a schlep to begin with. I was getting nervous about the time. But we got our bibs and I was even able to change my registration from the 10 to the 5k. Then I lined up with the slower folks between the 10-minute-mile sign and the one for walkers/strollers/pet.
By the time I lined up I was feeling ready and excited.
The start was slow because of the number of people and also because we ran through a tunnel at the beginning of the race. In essence, we were fed through a bottleneck to begin. In short order I found my pace and the runners thinned out. It was a spectacularly beautiful day and we were running around one of my favorite parks in the San Fernando Valley: Lake Balboa.
I was feeling good; well-hydrated, plenty of energy.
I remembered to pay attention to the surroundings and I enjoyed seeing all the ducks, the birds skimming along the surface of the lake, the small, artificial waterfall, the young kids digging deep and running great.
I slowed to a quick walk a couple of times. If truth be told, I probably could have pushed through those and kept running if I'd had a partner. But I knew I had plenty of time before Stef finished her race, and even more time before Aaron and the kids arrived for their race. So I took my time and enjoyed the scenery.
I turned on the juice at the end and sprinted to the finish.
I got this email confirming my time:

Hi Barbara,

Congrats on finishing the Victory for Victims today! Your time of 34:07 gave you a pace of 10:58/M.

Please find a link to searchable results below:

http://racewire.com/live_results.php?id=3130&bibnumber=1958

Thanks!

The RaceWire Team

I'm not particularly proud of the time. But I am happy I did the race. More so that it felt good. And I still plan to do a 10k before the end of the year.

Seeing Myself From Inside And Out

Some days, during class, I feel completely plugged in, in tune, in sync. I am precisely where I want to be with respect to hearing Ma'am's instructions and executing them. That's not to claim that my execution is perfect. I mean only that my brain and my body are working well together.

Then there are the other days: the days when I hear Ma'am's instructions clearly, but the signals between my brain and my body are not flowing smoothly. Those are the days when it feels like someone has recently attached my limbs to my body and I'm still learning how to use them. "Shuffle front kick," for example. I know all of those words and what they mean. I can even envision them together and their execution. However, today, getting my body and my legs to work in synchronicity was a challenge nearly beyond my grasp.
Good thing I have a sense of humor. I can laugh at my Frankenstein attempts to "shuffle, knee, roundhouse kick."
Even better than being able to laugh at myself is having the higher belts as models and patient partners. It's all part of what I love about KMA: the sense of support that is garnered is equally as important as the forms, the protocol and the matriculation. Unfailingly, I have had partners who, even when I'm scoffing at my own attempts to "jab, cross, hook, pause, cross then roundhouse," will smile at my misgivings and encourage me to try again and keep going.
Jeannette, a blue belt, was one of my partners today. Her form was beautiful. Even the simplest things like her guard. I appreciate having the higher belts as partners because they offer great reminders about the basics and much needed encouragement to progress.