Am I Blue?

I knew it'd had been a long while since my last entry, but I was surprised to see it's been just over a year!
That's too bad. 

I've been struggling with my journey to black belt since the end of last year. 
I was ill.
I had an injury.
I missed more and more classes. 
My peers were progressing and I wasn't. It became increasingly difficult to get back to class after I'd been away for a while. I was feeling discouraged. And outside of the dojang I was feeling overwhelmed with my full life. 
Once the illness and injury were behind me, I gave long and serious thought to whether or not I wanted to continue. At one point toward the end of winter I was pretty sure I was ready to let it go for now. (Not so coincidentally, in the winter, we asked Ike to make a choice between musical theater and KMA saying we couldn't afford to do both. But I could never bring myself to write the cancellation letter. I was struggling with both his continuing enrollment AND mine. He stayed.) 
By the way, I chose those words specifically: "let it go for now." I did not want to use the word 'quit.' That was too painful, too final, too defeatist. I couldn't face myself if I 'quit.' They teach the kids, "Winners never quit. Quitters never win. I choose to be a winner!" I couldn't quit. I couldn't be a poor example to my kids - and to my self. 
So I gave serious consideration to letting go of KMA for the time being because I was being pulled in too many directions and repeatedly finding myself coming up short when it really counted. 
I kept finding myself short on patience. Bereft of energy. Lacking any sexual desire.
I was asking myself where the time was going. How could I keep devoting time and energy to all this busyness and not have the resources for the stuff that really counts - for my kids, for me, for my husband?
I couldn't get to class more than once a week, and even that was often a struggle. My schedule allowed me to attend Tuesday morning's class, but that meant taking E.B. with me. The vast majority of the time he's a dream. We bring the portable DVD player and he's content, allowing me to focus on class. But it's a whole thing: choose the DVD, get it in the bag, make sure I have a snack for him in case he gets hungry during my class, get him dressed and out the door. It's a whole thing. 
The only other class I could attend was Saturday morning, which was also increasingly becoming a chore. It meant waking up early enough to eat a little something (which inevitably meant getting something for the kids, too. A whole thing.) Then getting myself out of the house on time. Class is always crowded on Saturdays. Then getting home, cleaning my equipment and laying it out to dry (a necessity). Then a shower. After that shower, I am SPENT. I mean, I would have NOTHING left so I'd have to lay down for a nap.  So Saturday morning class meant a half-a-day commitment. That really digs into one's weekend - the only time we have together as a family. 
I'd been at a green/black belt for longer than is typical. My instructors started to take note. One reached out and suggested I could spend a few extra minutes with her after class on Tuesday for a few weeks to help me feel like I was getting back up to speed. I jumped at the chance. They told me I was close to grading and they wanted to help me get there. That helped my motivation a bit. 
But I kept wondering, do I really want to continue? Should I just push through, get the blue belt, and then take a break, come back when I feel I can make the commitment?
One Tuesday a couple of weeks ago I was invited to grade for a blue belt. It felt really good. Sir took me aside after class and reminded me that the blue belt cycle is a bit longer. He suggested I really make the effort to come to class. He told, from his own experience, what a difference coming to class regularly makes to all areas of his life. He reminded me of the analogy of putting on your oxygen mask first. 
I took those words to heart. 
And I decided to recommit to my martial arts training. 
Last Wednesday I earned my blue belt. 
So to answer the question in the title: Yes. I am blue. 

Stop And Look Around

So I did it. I ran the 5k in the Victory for Victims race at Lake Balboa yesterday morning. I was very nervous about it. I haven't run 3 miles in one shot in a long time. Stef reminded me to just take my time and enjoy it.
I was nervous because I hadn't run since the previous Saturday. And because I drank two beers the night before. I just thought I wasn't doing myself any favors. I made sure to drink plenty of water Sunday morning and ate my customary non-fat Greek yogurt with honey to ensure good hydration and energy.
Then I had to keep returning to the bathroom.
Then parking felt like it was 5k from the starting line so we had a schlep to begin with. I was getting nervous about the time. But we got our bibs and I was even able to change my registration from the 10 to the 5k. Then I lined up with the slower folks between the 10-minute-mile sign and the one for walkers/strollers/pet.
By the time I lined up I was feeling ready and excited.
The start was slow because of the number of people and also because we ran through a tunnel at the beginning of the race. In essence, we were fed through a bottleneck to begin. In short order I found my pace and the runners thinned out. It was a spectacularly beautiful day and we were running around one of my favorite parks in the San Fernando Valley: Lake Balboa.
I was feeling good; well-hydrated, plenty of energy.
I remembered to pay attention to the surroundings and I enjoyed seeing all the ducks, the birds skimming along the surface of the lake, the small, artificial waterfall, the young kids digging deep and running great.
I slowed to a quick walk a couple of times. If truth be told, I probably could have pushed through those and kept running if I'd had a partner. But I knew I had plenty of time before Stef finished her race, and even more time before Aaron and the kids arrived for their race. So I took my time and enjoyed the scenery.
I turned on the juice at the end and sprinted to the finish.
I got this email confirming my time:

Hi Barbara,

Congrats on finishing the Victory for Victims today! Your time of 34:07 gave you a pace of 10:58/M.

Please find a link to searchable results below:

http://racewire.com/live_results.php?id=3130&bibnumber=1958

Thanks!

The RaceWire Team

I'm not particularly proud of the time. But I am happy I did the race. More so that it felt good. And I still plan to do a 10k before the end of the year.

Seeing Myself From Inside And Out

Some days, during class, I feel completely plugged in, in tune, in sync. I am precisely where I want to be with respect to hearing Ma'am's instructions and executing them. That's not to claim that my execution is perfect. I mean only that my brain and my body are working well together.

Then there are the other days: the days when I hear Ma'am's instructions clearly, but the signals between my brain and my body are not flowing smoothly. Those are the days when it feels like someone has recently attached my limbs to my body and I'm still learning how to use them. "Shuffle front kick," for example. I know all of those words and what they mean. I can even envision them together and their execution. However, today, getting my body and my legs to work in synchronicity was a challenge nearly beyond my grasp.
Good thing I have a sense of humor. I can laugh at my Frankenstein attempts to "shuffle, knee, roundhouse kick."
Even better than being able to laugh at myself is having the higher belts as models and patient partners. It's all part of what I love about KMA: the sense of support that is garnered is equally as important as the forms, the protocol and the matriculation. Unfailingly, I have had partners who, even when I'm scoffing at my own attempts to "jab, cross, hook, pause, cross then roundhouse," will smile at my misgivings and encourage me to try again and keep going.
Jeannette, a blue belt, was one of my partners today. Her form was beautiful. Even the simplest things like her guard. I appreciate having the higher belts as partners because they offer great reminders about the basics and much needed encouragement to progress.

Just Keep Running. Just Keep Running

I've run with the KMA group at the park for the last two Saturdays. It takes a good deal of effort to do it. It means making sure I don't overdue it the night before. (One beer, no more.) It means waking up no later than 6:45 so I can do what needs to be done in the morning: short meditation, bathroom, brush teeth, get dressed, eat yogurt. Not to mention dealing with the kids' needs. I'm lucky if I get any of that time to myself before they're awake.

Oh, and did I mention that the regular class then starts at 9am?

I'm close to the park so it doesn't take long to get there for the run. But they start precisely at 8am and if you're late, you're not getting timed.
Timing is the key.
I've never run for time before. I've run off and on for years. I do enjoy it. For the vast majority of that time, however, I was a slow, unmotivated runner. Now it's different.
At the park we run a loop around the baseball fields that is a 1/4 mile. When you arrive you check in with Ma'am or someone else and tell her how many laps you intend to run. If it's 3 or fewer you're on one list. That used to be me.  If it's 4 or more you're on another.
The first time I attempted 4 laps I didn't complete them. I ran three and called it a day. That didn't feel very good. But the last two weeks I've made my best effort to run the 4. I've ended up walking some of it. I finish in under 21 minutes. And for the last two weeks I've been thinking that the goal is to run those 4 laps in under 15 minutes. I wasn't discouraged that I was 6 minutes over. I know I have a lot of time to work on increasing my speed and it's painfully obvious how much room for improvement I have even before I start working on techniques to help me shave off some time.
But yesterday I asked Ma'am to remind me of the goal. I'm so glad I did because it turns out that to qualify for the Black Belt cycle you need to be able to run a mile in under 20 minutes! Furthermore, she pointed out that my starting pace is right on target: I ran the first two laps in 9:37. That means I'm already under 5 minutes/lap. Woohoo! Go me!
So now I'm clear on what I'm working on: endurance. And I feel very optimistic about being able to nail that 15 minutes goal well before I'm trying to qualify for the Black Belt cycle.
However, given how I'm struggling to get through a mile, I made a decision about that 10k I'm supposed to run next weekend: I'm going to run the 5k instead.
I will run a 10k, but not before I've given myself a chance to do some real training for it. There's no point in attempting to run that distance just because I decided it would be a good goal. It is a good goal, and I will achieve it.
Just not next weekend.

It Ain't Easy Being Green

I have been to two classes as a green belt. I'm already learning a ton of new stuff.

On Tuesday, when we focus on forms, I learned the next few moves in Extreme Form #1. It seemed to come easy. I don't doubt it's ugly and awkward, but I feel as though I've got it.

Today, my first day of sparring and wearing my new equipment (head gear, mouth guard, gloves, rib protector, and shin guards) I learned even more new moves: a reverse-spin roundhouse kick, slide-up front kick, two-fisted guard, and how to put on the second glove (possibly the most difficult move of all).  

My sparring partner (Cecilia, a lovely bo black belt), was very patient and helpful. 

Tuesday and Thursday morning classes are small. I am familiar with most of the other students. It's fun almost every single time. I partnered with Ron for warm-ups this morning. Either he was in a mood or he was severely disappointed in my partnering. It could most definitely have been the latter. Then again, he has to remember to REact, not to anticipate. And oh, yes, I should hold the pad the correct way in the correct place, too. I'm sure that would be most helpful. 

I'm really energized about learning so much new stuff. And I am really looking forward to practicing it again and again. It's gratifying to look back on the stuff that's second nature now, but that made me feel like my limbs had just been attached to my body when I first attempted them. 

I would love to wail on the wavemaster with my gloves and shin guards. 

Break on Through

Despite my lack of entries here, I have continued pursuing my Black Belt.

In BBC I've learned a form with the nunchucks. I was introduced to the bo. We're now learning flying side kicks. That's right, I wrote "flying side kicks." It's what you're picturing: Jackie Chan or Jet Li or Bruce Lee flying at an opponent with one leg aimed straight at his head, the other tucked under his body, foot flying forward like the other, fists raised between his face and his opponent's. Yes, it's awesome.

On April 3rd, I tested for my Green Belt. This is a biggie. I'd heard that you break a board during this testing. When I received my "Intent To Promote" sheet, I learned I'd be breaking two. One with my elbow. The other with a side kick.

Oh yeah.

I felt SO ready. I was so eager. There was no doubt in my mind that I was going to break those boards. I wasn't even nervous.

The Graffs were in town for E.B.'s birthday and they came to testing. Isaac was also testing, for his gold with green stripe. (We're both green belts!) My parents came. Aaron made it at the very end. There were a ton of people! I've never seen so many students being tested before! It was actually quite lengthy. Part of that is because there were five people breaking boards. Four kids and me.

Master Turnhout takes her time talking to the students before the board breaking about the mentality, the goal, the meaning of it.

It's symbolic, but a literal one. It's an obstacle in your way that you break through. She said two important things to remember: 1. Use your voice - key-ai. That vibration helps channel your energy where you want it to go - through the board. 2. Aim for your target that is behind the board. Not on the back of it, but a couple of inches behind the board. You need to break straight through the board to hit your target.

In turn, we each handed her our two boards and she chose the one we'd use first (elbow).
Sir Sherwyn held my board and I was thrilled that he was randomly (or was it?) the one I was partnered with. I love Sir Sherwyn. His energy and enthusiasm are absolutely contagious. His speed and determination in his own practice (and I'm thinking how he runs with KMA at the park on Saturdays before class, too) are inspiring. He held the board while I took many practice aims.
Then it was time. Master Turnhout cues the students and the audience to cheer us on...

(breaking board with elbow)

and crack! Elbow through the board! No problem!

With the second board, the process was the same. Sir Sherwyn held it for me. I took many practice kicks. I really felt ready. Again, there was no doubt in my mind about breaking that board. While I was practicing, Sir reminded me to use my voice. Then it was time. Ma'am cued the crowd and...

(breaking board with side kick)

smash! Right in half! 

Though I forgot to key-ai, I'd done it. I'd broken both boards. I hit the target on the other side of those obstacles. I was ready to move on to the next phase of my Black Belt training. 

A green belt is a higher belt. After we complete warm-ups at the beginning of each class, we get a tiny break for some water, and then the higher belts, green and up, move to the front, usually with Master Turnhout. The other belts are in the back with a different teacher (usually Ma'am Laura or Sir Ken). 

So now I move to the front. I am the newbie in this group of higher belts. I love that I get to learn so much new stuff and to have these students to observe as models. And I get to start sparring! 

Perhaps the best part was later, when I decided that the next obstacle in my life was not having run a longer race. A 10k. I decided that was the obstacle I needed to face, to meet head on, and move through.

On April 28th I'm running with Stef in the Victory for Victims 10k at Lake Balboa.

Wish me luck. 

BBC: My Gift to Me

I've been sitting on an invitation to join the Black Belt Champions for nearly six months.
I really cannot explain why I didn't jump at the chance. I can think of excuses, but no real reason not to pursue it. It's an honor to be recognized and invited. Here's how the invitation reads:

Dear Barbara,

CONGRATULATIONS! You have shown the qualities needed to become a Black Belt Champion. We would be honored to have someone of your caliber become part of this special program.

It is our school policy to recognize commitment and dedication. You have shown a continued effort and improvement in your training. Becoming a Black Belt Champion is a very prestigious step in your Martial Arts training. It means that you have taken the first step in achieving your goal to become a Black Belt.

A Black Belt Club Member signifies a commitment to excellence, and the achievement of the coveted Black Blet. It is designed to underline that commitment and to encourage further personal development and motivation. 

Please let us know if you are interested in becoming a Black Belt Champion.  

Yes, there's a one-time fee to pay and yes, it does mean a $10 increase in one's monthly fees. You get a black uniform and you get additional training that includes learning weapons like the bo, double nunchucks, and other things.

In class on Saturday, which is always very large, I was the only one in a white uniform, though I was not the lowest belt. It is time for me to say yes to this invitation. So now I must "write a few lines explaining why (I) want to be a Black Belt Champion." I'm slightly ashamed to admit that writing those "few lines" is part of the reason I haven't moved forward in six months. I've been working on what I want to say and haven't yet feel like I've nailed it.
Hello, Perfectionism.

I want to be a Black Belt Champion because I'm ready to take the next steps in my journey toward becoming a Black Belt. Even at this stage I'm learning about the dedication it takes. For me, the biggest challenge is often finding childcare so I can get to class. Sometimes it just feels like too much effort, despite how much I enjoy being IN class.
I've been struggling of late with motivation. I am realizing that will never go away entirely. Accepting - finally - the gracious invitation to join the BBC is the boost I need right now. I feel renewed to keep up with my classes, and to continue to learn and improve.
I want to be a Black Belt Champion because it makes me a better person: happier, healthier, more grounded, more optimistic. And those qualities enable me to be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, teacher, student, community member and citizen.
Thank you for the invitation. I gratefully accept. I shall continue to strive toward being a dedicated student and excellent representative of KMA.

There. Was that so hard?

Since today is my birthday I decided to give this gift to myself. Accepting the invitation and moving forward, with renewed motivation and dedication, toward my goal of becoming a Black Belt.